The Burden of the Blue Ink: A First Year Teacher’s Story

Michelle Parker

I remember the excitement when I received the important call from my principal-I got the job! I was even hired to fill the position of a Kindergarten teacher-the grade level of my choice! The ambition and creativity was flowing through my mind for the remainder of the summer, and I was anxiously waiting for my first day with students. I was informed about a literacy grant at my school that required teachers to follow a specific literacy program. I carefully read through the teacher manuals as the first day approached, realizing how much I would be expected to squeeze into a two hour literacy block. I started to feel some disappointment and slight apprehension, and was beginning to go into panic mode...how much time would this program leave for centers? Would I have to stick specifically to this literacy program’s set themes, or would there be time to implement all of the fascinating things I had learned in my education courses? I had binders full of ideas and strategies that I was anxious to try! I had always held a great sense of creativity and enjoyed thinking of various ways to engage my students in learning new concepts, to practice skills in ways that held value to all learning styles, and embraced a strong interest in literacy development of young learners. How would this specific program meet my expectations? After spending a few years in the preschool setting, which drew me into the education field, I was so excited to jump into the intriguing world of Kindergarten! As the first few weeks of my Kindergarten teaching experience went by, I started to feel a sense of frustration building and that my ability as an educator was being held back from the potential that I really possessed. This literacy program was very time consuming, did not seem to be engaging my students, and was not reaching my students areas of interest.

My literacy coach, a veteran Kindergarten teacher with over twenty years of experience, was kind enough to come in during the first few weeks of school and model the first few lessons of the program, to help acclimate me to the Kindergarten scene. I soon felt comfortable to implement the lessons independently, as much of the program is scripted in this fancy blue ink of what exactly the teacher is expected to be saying to the students during the lesson. Everything is clearly laid out and it was not long before I had had enough of this literacy program. I was already bored in theme one!

The selection of readings to share with students had little to build discussion about, and the program requires the teacher to do a whole group read aloud instruction from the same book multiple times. I remember the first time that I opened the big book we were reading for the third time, as recommended by my teacher’s manual, and having several students groan and sigh. The stagnant words ‘Not again!’ and ‘We already read this story!’ were like a dark, heavy cloud upon my classroom. It was as though I had been slapped in the face! Under no circumstances did I ever want to hear such boredom from my students! I quietly closed the book, and realized that this was just the beginning of a long road ahead. I would have to find ways to make our literacy program interesting, ways to make five year olds maintain an attention span that was clearly not a part of their being at this point in life.

Some might feel that a pre-scripted text is helpful tool for educators, and would ease some of those first year teacher jitters. I however, felt as though each day I was just moving through the motions, almost in a robotic sense of being. I know I had more to offer, and felt that my ideas would be much more effective to student learning and exploration. Where was the equity of teaching all students using the exact same methods and materials, when in my heart I knew that there were better ways to differentiate instruction? There was also the constant internal reminder that since I was filling a one year position, I was most likely expected to do as I was told, or there was that chance that I might not have a job offer the following year. The veteran teachers did not have to share these feelings of worry and doubt, and many of my seasoned staff seemed to do whatever they wanted to do. Yet the principal would frequently pop into my room and other probationary teachers’ classrooms to see the required literacy program in effect. I know it was quite clear that veteran staff were using other materials and approaches to student learning, so why did my practice have to be so controlled? I felt as though all those times I was told to ‘think outside of the box’ were useless in the world of pre-scripted literacy programs. I envisioned that the if the creators of the program were to walk the halls of our school, they would expect to walk by our classrooms and see the exact same thing happening in each grade level classroom. There is no enjoyment in having to present material to students the same way, every time, and not have the time to utilize your own thoughts and knowledge that we as educators were highly qualified to bring to the classroom environment.

There was another glitch to the system as well. Our school, unlike any of the other elementary schools in the district, used a specific handwriting program that does not coordinate with any letter and sound introduction that our literacy program did. I tried to internalize the situation at hand. Do I follow the literacy program’s introduction of letters, or the handwriting program’s? Do I work to combine the two, even though that would completely just not work out? Yet again, I was expected by my principal and literacy coach to implement both programs with ease. The handwriting program was to be done outside our literacy block, which again left me feeling under pressure for time to get it all done.

As I adjusted to expectations of a new teacher, I started to realize a trend throughout the school. As I walked and took time to visit with my veteran staff of Kindergarten classrooms, I quickly became aware that I was indeed, the only Kindergarten teacher to be following the required program-a requirement of our grant funding. I noticed with envy the cute art projects proudly displayed on the walls of the other classrooms, projects that held no connection to the literacy themes in our manuals. I started to wonder if my fellow staff was just moving through curriculum at a faster pace and had extra time to implement the ‘fun’ and creative literacy activities that I longed to do in my own classroom. I soon discovered that this was not the case, and that the majority of veteran staff across the grade levels had chosen to opt out of the required program our grant intended staff to follow. I quietly continued implementing lessons, trying my hardest to keep my students engaged, trying my best to keep my frustration from my students. During staff meetings, there was much discussion of how the pres-scripted program was giving the desired outcome our school needed to gain more funding from the grant. In reality, the veteran teachers had been avoiding the program’s lessons and implementing what they thought held best practice, and that was what brought upon the improvements seen in our student literacy development. My students were held at an unjust disadvantage and had to work that much harder to keep up with their peers! My assessments were not showing the true progress that my students were making, and it was clearly unfair that they were expected to meet benchmarks that were not a primary focus to the literacy program that I was held accountable to implement.

The literacy lessons in accordance with our grant were monotonous, less engaging, and not to mention-not necessarily helping my students meet their highest academic potential! My students’ assessments were lower than those in other Kindergarten classes, and there was a lack of alignment between our district assessments and the pacing of our literacy program. Students were required to have all letters and sounds introduced by mid-year, and our literacy program would not have all letters introduced until the end of the year!

I suddenly realized that as a new teacher, my authoritative figures would be checking in on me, and therefore would be looking for me to complete the lessons as required by our grant. And, the grant required us to do this program, so why wouldn’t I follow the rules? I would like to think that if a literacy grant wants educators to implement a program, that the program would be actually be a useful and effective program to student learning! I was presented with a program that stifled creativity and de-professionalized teachers! There was another first year teacher that chose to follow the lead from veteran staff, and did not implement the literacy program or our handwriting lessons. When this was brought to my principal’s attention, all staff members were quickly asked to check in with where we stood in the pacing chart and there was a span of informal observations that seemed to increase. The new teachers were the ones who were again told to follow our curriculum as required, and that there would be consequences should we choose to ignore this request. The new teachers were compliant, while veteran staff members continued on their merry way, doing those activities that helped their students meet benchmarks, gave more opportunity for differentiation, and read all the ‘fun’ books that I too wished to read to my students.

Results from the grant were showing that students were making gains and that the program was indeed an effective program. There was talk of more grant money to come the following academic year, as our students were doing so well! When in reality, the reason students were making gains was that many of the teachers were following their own literacy instruction and helping students move forward. My students were performing lower than other Kindergarten students on letter and sound identification, and a great deal of fear swept over me that I was an incompetent teacher. However, if a teacher follows the pre-scripted program as required, the introduction of all letters and sounds is not completed until the end of the year! I felt as though I was doing a disservice to my students because they hadn’t learned as many sight words as the other students in other classrooms, but we just hadn’t introduced those words (or as many words) as the other teachers had, at the midyear point. My students were not being given an equal opportunity to succeed and I wasn’t being given a chance to express my true ability as a professional. My creativity was continually being stifled, my passion to teach and learn was slowly fizzing out...and there was nothing that I could do about it. Should I have opted to do my own thing and catch criticism from the ‘higher ups’ when they popped in for a surprise visit? Or do I bore my students and give into the de-professionalism that I felt as an educator? The few new teachers that I observed skipping out on the required curriculum were scrutinized, given an extra look by the principal, and some were asked not to return the following year! Where is the sense in making a scene about how I find it unfair that my students have to be subjected to lessons that are not meeting their educational needs, if I know it could jeopardize my future endeavors as a Kindergarten teacher? I wanted to do what was best for me professionally, but not lose sight of giving my students the best educational experience possible. Even if that meant playing the part for the year, I did what I thought was best.

As I have moved into year two of teaching, I too, have learned to ‘work the system’ and selectively move through the program’s lessons at my own discretion. I have primarily stuck to my own agenda during my literacy block - and it shows! My students are performing at a much higher academic level this year and making huge gains in their literacy development. Are the results because I have made huge gains in my role as teacher? Could my ability to teach really have improved that much over a one-year span? Chances are, not likely, as I am well aware that is so much more to learn as an educator. The frustrating piece is that I still need to continuously look as though I am following the program’s curriculum, keeping my plan book detailed and ready for those surprise observations from my supervisors. I don’t feel too concerned, because I feel my students are gaining more from their Kindergarten experience, and I chose selections from the required program that fit into my own creative thinking in delivering new concepts. My learning experience has been to always be prepared, follow the rules as much as expected but still in my heart, try to give my students an equal opportunity to shine. Plus, the grant funding ends this year so...who knows what will happen with all of the current literacy curriculum materials next year? Interestingly enough, we have just accepted a new basal program to implement next year, which will very well present the same discouraging feelings as our current program does. But that’s a whole other story for another day! Will we repeat the cycle of not utilizing a program we are expected to follow to do what we think will give our students an equitable learning experience? Will it only be those new teachers that get hired who are held accountable to use the basal reading program, or will the entire staff be implementing the lessons that our district plans to utilize district wide? I know that if I can, I will utilize those parts of the program that I feel are best practice, and be sure to incorporate my own passion of teaching into my classroom. Will this be enough to please the administration? It’s safe to say, time will tell.

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